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Scared of Life [15 Jan 2008|01:06am]

I'm scared and invisible to most and visible to all the wrong people. I hate life so much I always want to give up. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to start over new. I am the definition of "fuck up". I'm failing school(basically by choice), I have no job, no car, I'm fat, and my social life is disappearing as we speak. I don't see my friends anymore because I can't stand their whiny highschool drama bullshit. School is something I don't even want to talk about. I'm falling apart. I have no control over my life so I'm developing an eating disorder which is really fine in my opinion, I love my obsessve habits with calorie counting and exercise. It makes me feel powerful. Other than that I'm weak and terrified and nothing can help me. I tell my mom I hate life and I want to give up and just die. She always says something silly and un-helpful like "You're too pretty too commit suicide". Like who the fuck cares if I'm pretty? It's not getting me anywhere in life. I of course have 3 options living as I am(yuck), dying(sounds pleasant), and running(I'm on the fence about). I need something different so living as I am is not really an option. I don't know I'm scared. And alone. And very confused.
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this is my current hell [18 Oct 2007|10:53pm]

[ mood | sore and fed up ]

I just need to vent...if u read this im sorry for wasting ur time i know im a stupid fuckup. If you dont read this thats okay.


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[23 Nov 2003|11:50pm]
[ mood | cold ]

hey.the name's JiLL and in my own way i'm a complete fuckup. everythings shit in my life.i don't want to feel sorry for myself. i just want to run.straight ahead. i don't even care where.i hate where i am. i fucking hate it soo much. all my 'friends' can burn in hell.well except for two of them..but the rest of the fucktards can just drop dead those sons of bitches.

i'm 14.i have an eating disorder.i'm struggling with that. bullemia.yeah i've tried self mutaltion..blah blah blah. cuttting myself just doesn't do it for me anymore.and i don't have that many long sleve shirts too. ha.lame joke. yeah.i'm depressed.i need someone so badly.some one to save me. i falling and i'm gonna hit the ground so hard.

my mom is my nemisis.if i ever go crazy,bet your ass she's to blame. that fucking bitch has so many issues.you will never know how much i hate her. no. you wont.she needs anger mangagement.i'm so afraid of her. i swear. when she isn't beating the shit outta me,shes thinking of some other way to make my life hell.so why don't i run away? i have no fucking idea.i read somewhere that children of abuse stick around for some reason.whatever.i'm counting the days till i'm out of this hellhole.for real.37mos.till i can move out.and even fewer till i drive. shit, once i drive i'm so outta here. the bitch will never know where i am.
if she didn't outweigh me by like 100 pounds i wouldn't be smacked around by her. but no, the fat whore haas an advantage.i've fucked up so many times in my short years, but i think the biggest mistake ive made, and still make today, is allowing her to push me around.this shits gotta end. but when? WHEN GODDAMIT? WHEN will i grow balls and have the nerve to push her back? prolly when she's loses a few pounds..hehe.

don't feel sorry for me.just tell me you understand


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Go Me [23 Jun 2003|11:59pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

I am going more insane then I already am. If that is even possible. Not working is the weirdest thing in the world. I just had a whole week of doing nothing. Witch is something that I haven't had in over 3 years. And now am sick of it. I am sick of being out of work, I am sick of getting bills that I cant pay. I am sick of not being able to afford any thing. I am 19 years old and I have an debt of a 30 year old and Im am sick of it. I have medical bills up the waszoo, my insurance bills or completely out of this world, I have no money no job and no one is hiring. I have bill collectors knocking down my door trying to collect money I don't have. The bank is calling every two seconds. I sold my precious baby (my sax) for 2,000 dollars that I barely got to see and now it is all gone and i am still magerly in the whole. And I dont want to have to declare bankrucy, but I have a feeling that I am going to have to. And I am going stir crazy living with my family. My father is yelling at me every 2 seconds, my niece is always nagging me about one thing or another. My sister is constally teasing me. And my nephew keeps calling me wanting me to bail him out of jail for the billionth time. I hate this all of this I don't know how much more of this shit I can take before I blow up and either kick the shit out of somebody or kill them. Every thing is jsut so overwhelming and is just so hard and painful and it just sucks so freaking much. Ahhhhhhhhh. DAM YOU LIFE DAM YOU TO HELL!! For once again the Almighty A.C. screwed it all up again. Go me dont I feel special. Ahhhhhhhhh!

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[22 Jun 2003|01:11pm]

I told you... things just keep on getting worse. Way Worse. This time to the extreme.

So I ran away from home.

I went to my Dad's yesterday morning, then called my Mom on the phone. We got into a huge argument, and then I hung up and stormed out of my Dad's place. I did not even want to be there in the first place. My Mom said that I was stupid, and Pepe did not care about me, and he had plenty of other women, and I was 13 and why would anyone wanna love me.

I went walking to Pepe's house, and when I got there Donchuy said Pepe was not home but he would be back in a little while and I could wait for him. So I did. Pepe came bc like 15 minutes later, when he got there I waited like 5 minutes, then I came out of his room. And he freaked out when he saw me, cause he had no idea I was there. And I told him to come to me, he could see something was wrong, and I told him.


"My Mom knows everything."
"About you being 22 and about me sneaking out at night."
"How does she know?"
"I dont know"

Then he brought me into his roomAnd he laid in the bed, and I sat there by his side and just looked at him. And I told him I loved him. And we layed sat there for a few minutes. So then he left the room and I came out about 5 minutes later. And I sat down and watched TV with him for about 20-30 minutes. I kept pinching him cause he kept making comments about the girls on TV. So then just as I was about to fall asleep in his arms, he got up and told me to come on. So we went into his room. And I layed in his bed and he layed with me. And he kissed, and then we had sex. And I have a feeling thats the last time I'm gonna have sex with him for a long time. So then after that, I feel asleep for like 3 or 4 hours. And when I woke up I fixed my hair back up and then I told Pepe I was hungry, so he gave me this menu from Daves Carry Out, I told him I wanted a cheeseburger, so he went out and got it for me. He asked me to clean his room while he was gone. And I did, I made the bed and everything, and made his room look nice.

When he came back I was sitting ont he bed, and he handed me my food. The french fries were covered in ketchup, I hate ketchup. But I did not complain, cause he went out and bought me food, and it would nto be right to complain. And plus I was mad hungry, so I just ate.

He played video games while I ate. I shared my food with him. It felt like I was living with him. I want that so bad. So then when I finished I was walking to the kitchen to throw away my trash. And they all heard knocking at the door, but I did not know shit. I looked out the door, and it was the police, so I ran to the kitched threw away my stuff, then ran out the back door. I did not have any shoes, but Pepe just told me to run. So I did. I was wondering what was happening, so I ran around to the other side of the street so I had perfect view of Pepe's place. Then the cop came out and she saw me, I tried to act casual like as if the cops were'nt after me, but she still caught me. When I saw her I walked a little faster and then I ran and when I was about to run around a corder, she came and she said "Your Emily" and I nodded my head, and she goes "Your under arrest" and grabs my hands and puts handcuffs on me.

She put me in the police car, that was parked right in front of Pepe's place, and Rafa was standing outside. It was embarrassing, but I just kept screaming at the top of my lungs. Then she drove over to my house, and she had her window downa nd my Mom was standing by the car, and I kept screaming everything that came to my mind. I screamed "I hate you, you fucking bitch" And I screamed "Rot in hell" really really loud. So then the cop got iritated and put her window up, and she got out of the car and went to talk to my Mom. And all my Mom kept saying was "I wanna press charges on him!" and I kept screaming and screaming, but that car was sound proof and no one could hear me scream. Then Rafa walked by and he did not see me. but he came back out, and he looked like a chent. With his strait legged pants, and all stars, and his button up shirt, and he black lensed glasses and his shaved head. He look so cool. And he looked at me through the window, but he tried not to look, like he felt bad for me. He cares about me, he does. We had had a talk earlier. He cares a lot. So then my Mom starts yelling at him, but I could not hear nothing, I could only see them. And he put his arms out like as if he were saying "What?! com on! I'll beat your ass" and the cop almost had to get into it. Then Rafa walked away. And he had the walk to. And I couldnt help but smile, cause I love Pepe, and I'm just so screwed up in my head. And then I started singing. And I was only singing about love. And i just kept thinking about Pepe. And no matter what happens, I will wait for him forever, and I dont want anyone but him. Id ont care how much I get in trouble with the cops, I only want him.

So then the cop got back in her car, and she was listening to her radio. And heres what some dude said "Uhh... theres a lady here, and I stopped her to give her a speeding ticket,a nd now shes having an asthma attack and unable to use her inhaler." It was funny, and she thought it was too, but shes a fucking cop. Shouldnt she be out saving people or helping them atleast. She was a stupid bitch. I already hated her, dumb air headed blonde chick.

Then we went to the police station and I had no shoes, and I had mud all over my feet and all over my jeans. And I was wearing Pepe's Broncos Jersey. So she made me sit in this room for about 1 hour, she would not take the handcuffs off, and they were irritating me. She kept talking and asking me questions, and she was being all stupid cause Pepe lied to her and heres what she said "Why would anyone wanna lie to me?!" She was so dingy and stupid I wanted to kick her.

Then this detective came, Detective Bailey. Some black guy, he tookd my hand cuffs off, but only one and he put the other one on this little hole thingy on the wall, and then he re-did my other handbuff and he put it on super tight, and he asked me all these really personal questions, like about the first time I had sex with Pepe, and he made me give detail, and he was being a jackass. So I was forced to say the words Penis and Vagina. It was insane. And then he left the room, and I started singing again, and I smelled like sex, how come no one else could smell sex on me? He came back into the room and asked me if I had any questions. "Is he going to get locked up?" "I dont know" I was not worrying about myself, I did not even care. I was only thinking about him and what was gonna happen to him.

"You really love him dont you"
I just nodded my head and started crying.

Then the cop said that Pepe was here, that he had came on his own, and I just thought to myself about how much I love him, and how I cant live without him.

So then the cop took me into the room where my parents were, it was the same room that the cops put me in with Ingrid last time I ran away.

Cop- Emily said she is willing to go home with you and she will not run away.
Mom- No! As Soon as we get to the door she will run away! She is a little manipulator!
Me- Fuck you! I fucking hate you! You fucking liar!

[I'm not sure thats exactly what I said. but I kept saying fuck, so it was close to that" Then the cop took me into another room and called Juvenile, they said that they wont take me, cause all I've done is run away. So the cop said I either had to go stay with my Dad or go into foster care. I wanted to go to foster care, but the cop was being a bitch and not wanted to do her job, she just wanted me to leave.

So I agreed to stay with my father, and then she made me sit in the lobby, and Rafa was in there, and I was talking to him about Pepe, and he said Pepe was in the back room where I had just come from. I just wanted to see him so bad. So then my Dad came, and he has the fucking balls to ask me "Whats wrong Emily" I screamed "Fuck you" at him and walked out of the police station, and he kept asking the same question and I kept shouting the same thing.

Then we went to his place, and I still had no shoes, and he would not give me the door key and I got out of the car and slammed it. And this one dude standing outside was like "You strait?" I just kept on walking. And I sat on the steps and waited for my Dad. When I got inside I tried to call people, but no one was home. So around 9 something I called Daniella. And I told her everything and at first, she did not quite believe me, she thought I was messing around. Then I asked her to call Pepe's place on 3 way.

He picked up the phone, and I was in shock.

Pepe- Hello?
Me- Pepe?!
Pepe- what?
I got quiet cause I was crying.
Me- I love you
Pepe- I love you too.

Then Daniella asked him what happened and everything, and he asked me what they asked me and I told him and everything. And Daniella was translating for us, cause it was a lot easier and faster. Then he said he had to go and to call him tomorrow, and we told eachother we loved eachother and got off the phone.

Then I spoke to Daniella for about 20 more minutes, cause she had to go cause her Mom said so. While I was on the phone with her, she called my place on 3 way. And I tried to talk to my Mom but she made me ma and I cant control myself and I just started screaming fuck you at her.

I went to bed, and when I woke up I freaked out. Its scary not waking up in your own bed. and it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. Then I just got on the computer and started typing.

Everything is so fucked up. I've fucked everything up.
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[13 Jun 2003|07:22pm]

[ mood | pensive ]

"So where did you sleep last night?"
"Behind Wal*Mart"
"On the dirt?!"

Naw! On a fucking mattress with flowery blankets and nice fluffy pillows!

Thats what I wanted to say. But I responded with

"No, theres an emergency door, and cement"
"Man, its pretty scary out there all alone"

YOU STUPID COPS! Go fuck yourselves!

God damn.

So heres how it all started...

Walking to the bus stop on Tuesday morning, I was thinking about how Victoria was gone, and how I basically took her place, and how I wasnt that sad that she was gone, because she was screwing up shit with Pepe and I. She had been gone for 3 weeks.

And I get to the bus stop... and who do I see? Victoria

I turned around
"Emily! Oh my god! I missed you so much *hugs me tight* They locked me up for 3 weeks!! Remember that day Freddy drove us to school?! Well the cops came and got me that day!"

I was irritated now. I did not want her to come back.

But shes my friend, why was I thinking that way?!

So after school I went with her to her place, along with Israel and Cesar. [who likes me]

And Cesar wrote MS 13 MSX13 on my arm.

I was walking home, and Raul saw me. So he asked me if I wanted a ride, so I got into the car, and he talked to me for like 1 and half hours! About life and making the right choices, boring shit.

I had my sleeves rolled up cause it was hot outside, and my Mom came home and saw the MS stuff on my arm. She totally lost it.

She beat the shit out of me, with everything she could get her hands off. And I ran away from home. I stayed with Pepe. I slept at his house at night, it was fun. I wanna live with him. I feel so good with him.

So he went to work at 4 something in the morning, and I stayed home alone at his place all day, just slept and watched talk shows. Didnt go to school.

He got home around 2:50, and we chilled, and we were watching a movie around 5 or 6 something... and my Mom called Pepe's house, but Chuy answered the phone and told my Mom that Pepe was not home, so she spoke to Chuy and interrogated him over the phone. And Chuy said he had not seen me.

"Emily ran away yesterday."

It was so funny.

So I looked out the window like 10 minutes later... and the cops were at my house. Pepe freaked out and told me to leave and to meethim at Wal*Mart. So I just ran all the way to Wal*Mart, but I did not see Pepe. So I went inside Wal*Mart and stole a bunch of Snickers bars. Then I went back to the trailer park, to see if the cops were still at my house, and they were. So I went walking to where Ames used to be, but now its just a vacant place.

I called my Mom collect on the pay phone.

"Why did you call the cops?!"
"Because I'm worried about you!"
"Where are they now?"
"Up at your friends house interrogating him."
"What the fuck?! Why?!"
"Cause I want to know where the hell you are!"

I hung up on her, she made me mad.

So I went back to the trailer park, and I saw that the cop car was gone. So I was walking around the trailer park, and I saw Rafa, he said he was going to Todos Market, I asked him if I could go, and hes like "Yeah, get in the car" and I turned around... and there was my Mom... driving my way. So I ran. I ran to the basket ball court... and who did I see? Angel... I had not seen him in like 1 and half months. He asked me who I was running from and I told him my Mom and the cops. And he was like "Man, just go home"

Instead... I ran to Pepe's house. Only Chuy was there. He said Pepe went out looking for me. And then Pepe called, and Chuy told him I was there. And Pepe told Chuy to tell me to leave, and Chuy told me to call him later in the night, I told him I had no money, and he gave me 7 dollars.

So I went to Jennifer's house. Bad idea.

Ingrid said the cops came looking for me, and I walked out the door, and her and Jennifer's Mom came runnin after me, and Ingrid said she was taking me to the police station, and Jennifer's Mom kept yelling at me to go home.

So Ingrid was driving me to the police station, and I asked her to stop at a gas station so I could buy a bottle of water, and she was scared that I was going to run away again, so she parked right in front of the door of the gas station. So I bought my water, and she told me about the cops coming to Jennifer's place. My Mom lied to the cops! She told them I needed my medication and I was going to kill myself.

I'm over that shit. All that shit. Trying to kill myself, and cutting myself and shit. I'm dont with it. My Mom lied.

So Ingrid and I walked inside the police station and as soon as the cops saw me they ran up to me and put me in the room to talk to them. It was so screwed. I told them everything. And they said I need to be put in mediation, and I need to go back home.

So they took me back home, and my steppy was there. When Marissa saw me... she hugged me and gave me a piece of gum.

Then 10 minutes later... she came in my room, and 3 minutes later my steppy goes yelling at her, telling her to never come in my room again. So I slammed the door in his face.

"Dont slam the door! This is my house!"
"Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was so exhausted. I tried to write, but it did not come out good, so I balled the papers up and threw them away. I just sat there on my floor, hugging the stuff doggie that Pepe gave me.

My Mom got home around 11 something and she was talking to me. I did not really listen. I did not want to.

When I got home... all the posters on my walls were gone.

Mom- Why did you take the posters off your walls?
"I did not! You did!"
"Naw aw!"
"Then Armando did"

Ok?! Why the hell is he going to take MY posters off MY walls, fucking dickwad. I hope he burns in hell, motherfucker.

So then I went to bed, I woke up the next morning feeling like I had a hangover or something, all dizzy and messed up. My Mom drove me to school. As soon as I got there, Daniella was inside, and when she saw me the first thing she said was "You fucked up." I just laughed it off like a dumbass. I swear... I was on something.

I chilled with Victoria, Israel, and Cesar after school. The want me to dump Pepe for Cesar. Haha. They fucking wish.

I wrote Pepe a letter, telling him I'm sorry for causing so much chaos in his life, and sorry for making things so complicated.

I spoke to him last night and he goes "I love you mamacita" and when I got off the phone with him... I burst into tears... I love him so much. And I kept crying... I was sad... but it was happy saddness.

I went to his place today after school, I ran off the bus, I did not want to deal with Victoria or anyone else. I just wanted to see my baby and hug him. And thats what I did. I layed down with him on the living room floor, with my hea don his chest, and listened to his heartbeat. And I say "I love you" at the most random moments.

I came home around 4:15, and watched TV.

I also spoke to my Dad yesterday... I told him I did not want anything to do with him... I told him a lot. And afterwards when I thought about it... I felt bad.

I dont plan on stopping here, just cause my Mom called the cops dont mean shit... fuck authority, the more you try to tame me... the more wild I get. Has'nt anyone figured that out yet?!

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Good Day [24 May 2003|03:10pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Hello. My name is Katie, and I'm a depressive music devotee.
Cold, Staind and AFI are my favorite bands to filter my feeling and emotion through.
The Deftones are an accessory to it all.
"Dysfunction" is definitely has my name written all over it, and the more I discover it, the more I get to love it.

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new [11 May 2003|04:14am]
hey. my name is savana. uhm, i'm bad with introductions and don't know what to say. add me to your friends? i'll add you to mine?
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